My name is Colin Thompson, I turn 23 tomorrow, and I'm your biggest fan. This birthday for me is a momentous one. Finally I'll be the age of Michael Jordan and LeBron James' jersey number. (At least until next year, when King James is wearing #6 for the Knicks.) And it's got me doing some reflecting.
You've been in my life for the past nine years, and those were some eventful years for me. I started and finished high school, where I found my niche playing tennis and writing for the school newspaper.
You were with me for the four years I spent at beautiful Indiana University, where I found and cultured my loves for photography and going out drinking with my best friends until four in the morning.
You were even with me for this past year, which saw me struggling to find my way starting a career and finishing school. You've been with me through it all, and now I thank you. Because I now realize it's true:
My life for the past nine years has had a shadow cast over it by one man...and five syllables. Der-ek Zoo-lan-der.
Yes you, Mr. Zoolander. As I look back on my life, I realize you've been my guiding light all along. You've taught me so much, and I'm eternally grateful for the lifeskills you've instilled in me. A quick recap:
Z - zealousness. Your rival-turned-best friend Hansel has an attitude that says "who cares? It's only fashion." But you care. In fact, you cared enough to win back-to-back-to-back Male Model of the Year awards. In your mind, you even won a fourth straight.
O - originality. The world spells the word "day" d-a-y. Not you. You're your own man. A man who enjoys a good d-a-i-y-e at the daiye spa.
O - obnoxiousness. See also: standoutabilty. Yes, these are life skills, and things I respect you highly for. Your average miner just goes to work in dirty, worn, gray clothes. You decided to spruce the place up a bit. And God bless you for it.
L - likability. You count the great Billy Zane among your friends. Next subject.
A - abidiginal. See: originality.
N - nimbleness. All your life, you excelled in the uber-competitive world of modeling with a glaring disability. You were not an ambi-turner. Some models turn left at the end of the runway, others turn right. Cruelly, you weren't given that choice. Until of course, there was an "M" shaped throwing star flying towards the prime minister of Malaysia, and you finally turned left, unleashed Magnum on that mother, and it stopped dead in its tracks. If there was an "H" in your name, heroism would certainly be included on this list.
D - dependability. When considering adding a new person I meet to my list of friends, I ask myself one simple question: If I died in a freak gasoline fight accident, would this person step up to the plate and deliver a touching eugoogoly in my honor? I know with you the answer is a resounding "yes."
E - excellence. While other, pedestrian-by-comparison models skate by using just one look, you sir have several in your ever evolving arsenal. In addition to your legendary Blue Steel, you also have Ferrari, Le Tigre, and now the literally life-saving Magnum. You think you're too cool for school, but I've got a news flash for you Walter Cronkite: you are.
R - responsibility. Many celebrities live a selfish lifestyle. They make their millions; they buy some cars, some houses, a trophy wife. Not you. You sir, Mr. Zoolander, are one hell of a philanthroper. Where others sit back and live the lavish lifestyle, you're out there in the world making a difference. In 2001 you founded the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too, and now previously underprivledged children by the dozens are learning valuable life skills. Skills such as "how to negotiate a modeling contract" and "base jumping." This is your lasting legacy on the world. A world that wouldn't have been the same without you. And for that you deserve all the thanks I can give.
Yours in creepily undying admiration,
Colin Thompson
David Justice was #23 as well!
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