All Aboard the H.M.S. Suckery

Now we come to the part of the blog where I unleash some unbridled, uncalled-for hatred towards a movie in the theaters that I have no plans to ever see. I have been exposed to nothing but the trailer, and I have heard no news (positive or negative) from anyone that has seen it. (If, in fact, anyone HAS seen it...let's just say that would be a surprise to me.) Just like Diversity, the H.M.S. Suckery is an old, old, wooden ship that I'm going to metaphorically throw this and similar terrible movies onto and send it to Antarctica where they can never harm any non-penguin again with their traveshamockeries of plots and acting. Actually, I kinda hope the sea just claims the boat somewhere on its journey and its never heard from again, because really, what did the penguins ever do to us? Anyways.

First passengers on the H.M.S. Suckery? Gerard Butler, Jennifer Aniston, and anyone else who was involved in the making of this flaming bag of poop that I'd like to put out with my size 12 boot.

From what I can gather, The Bounty Hunter follows the epic tale of King Leonidas, who plays (you'll never guess!) a bounty hunter! He used to be married to Rachel Green, and he just got assigned to go hunt her for bounty. He's very excited about this. He scoops her up, throws her in his trunk, and I'm sure from there plans divulge into serious "not according to" territory. After a few brushes with some unsavory bad guys and his car getting screwed up somehow (maybe a surprise wild animal in the back seat?!), Leonidas has to ar;aed;efjna voarighvalnkz,.mn vnaslrkghaajweo

Oh, sorry about that, I got bored and hit my head on the keyboard a few times. Anyway, spoiler alert(!): they fall back into love at the end. And how about that tagline? "It's a job, it isn't personal. Well, maybe a little..." Hey, tagline making people! Yes, Colin Thompson, Hoosier Movie Snobs, I have a question: I noticed you used an ellipses at the end of your Bounty Hunter beauty...is that designed to leave the general public hanging and dying to know what your incredibly veiled and mysterious tagline means? It is? Yeah, let's just say it didn't work. We know damn well that the job is a little personal, you told us in your retarded trailer.

And hey Gerard Butler, remember when you looked like this and were stabbing the shit out of tens of thousands of persians with your kick ass spear? Yeah, that was awesome. I was ready to start chisling your chisled frame into the all time Mount Rushmore of badasses (right next to Bill The Butcher, Maximus, and Doc Holliday). And you inspired millions (or at least me) to give the insane 300 workout a try.

Since then, you've been in something called Butterfly On A Wheel, P.S. I Love You, The Ugly Truth, and now The Bounty Hunter. What the hell man? Granted, you gave badassness another try with Gamer and Law Abiding Citizen, but the former also belongs on the H.M.S. and you only stabbed one guy to death in the latter. Not exactly what I'd call getting the job done. If you hadn't died at the end of 300 (spoiler alert! Too late, sorry.) I'd be screaming for some kind of sequel (called 301 of course). But alas, you now look like this and are a damn disappointment.

Jennifer Aniston...can you remember when you were in a good movie? Neither can the world. I'll give you Office Space, but that gem was carried by Samir Nagheenanajar and Michael Bolton (not the no-talent ass clown). You had nothing to do with its awesomeness. Keep trying though. Maybe if Angelina starts carrying around a vial of his blood around her neck Brad will come back to you. Or something. Here's hoping.

I've never even BEEN to Mount Vesuvius,

Colin