The 8 Worst Awesome Movies Released Since I Was Four (A guest post by Reid Amstutz)

The following list of movies was constructed in a particular order, called "random." I love these movies because, well, they're all awesome. But as films, they're all the worst. Get it? Good. Here we go...

Eraser (1996)

When Lee Cullen (see: Vanessa Williams) steals confidential weapons information probably as important as the NOC List, the only man, or machine, that can protect her is Duh Governator, or witness protection ace John "The Eraser" Kruger.

Let me remind the world that Eraser unveiled the most powerful one-man weapon exclusive of the Akimbo Ranger (see: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2). Keep in mind the rifle developed by Lee Cullen's former employer, Cyrez, is TOP-SECRET (see: plot). The first of two key features the weapon utilizes is a "see-through-anything" automatic targeting system; the scond feature is an electromagnetic pulse that looks like it sprinted out of Harry Potter's wand and umm...melts your heart.

In real life, the gun is probably only useful for two things:

• Melanoma
• One nicely made cheese toastie

Steel (1997)

Let me plow you over with Shaq Daddy's 1997-98 season averages with the Los Angeles Lakers:

PPG 28.3     RPG 11.4     APG 2.4     BPG 2.4     FG% 58.4

Powerhouse numbers. Unfortunately, Shaq's season averages were inversely proportional to Steel's box office results.

Little Giants (1994)

I don't think an adolescent girl existed in the early 90s who wasn't infatuated with Devon Sawa. I don't think an adolescent boy existed who didn't start throwing toilet paper rolls down the aisle at Kroger, either. And who wouldn't be entertained by a coaching match up between Al Bundy and Wayne Szalinski?

Marquee line: "When you mess with Spike, you mess with death."

P.S. The Little Giant's assistant coach and fabled developer of the play, "The Annexation of Puerto Rico," Nubie, is smart in real life. He is currently a Vice President with the NFL and whispered right-hand man to commissioner Roger Goodell.

Cliffhanger (1993)

What's more challenging: Outlasting a steroid filled, 2,000 PSI-punching, 8'4" He-Man of a Russian OR exorcising your demons while evading a frightening, Uzi-wielding John Lithgow and beating the fastest man in Jamaica in a mountain scaling race for stolen cash in the Rocky Mountains?

I'll select...B. Cliffhanger places Sylvester Stallone in a chase of mountainous proportions. Each individual bead of sweat that oozes out of his sculpted body drips pure athleticism. I'm talking the kind of athleticism that allows him to survive sub-freezing conditions draped in nothing more than a military-issued wife-beater. Yes, athleticism can do that.

Did I mention that Cliffhanger was nominated for three Oscars? How. Is. That. Possible.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (2009)

I don't care about the filthy propaganda that Jason Melvin and Playstation, Inc. distribute, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves is a movie. It is Nathan Drake's second adventure, which is full of mini-adventures. Drake kills villains, stuns villains, stealth attacks villains, discovers secret treasures and solves riddles, sexes a brunette AND a blond, and saves the world. Can you say "man crush"?

But who does Drake think he is, Indiana Jones?!?! Only Indy can believably achieve some of the stunts and bad guy thwarting that occurs in Among Thieves. Come on Drake, come back to Earth.

Twister (1996)

It's all about the Hoff. No, not Baywatch super-stud David Hasselhoff; I'm talking about THE Hoff-man, site heavyweight Philip Seymour-Hoffman. Let me blow you away, pun intended, with some of the Oscar-caliber lines delivered by Philip in this rodeo with Mother Nature:

• "Haha! It's the wonder of nature, baby."
• "Haha! Wooo hoooo!"
• "Hey you guys! Woo hoooo!"
• "Are you okay? You just missed that truck! That's awesome!"

And my personal favorite...

• "The suck zone...the point, basically, at which the twister sucks you up."

Forget it, enjoy this.

Space Cowboys (Y2K)

Jones. Eastwood. Garner. Sutherland. Normally when I see a line-up comprised of the preceding names, I think this.

But Thor's movie is Space Cowboys, and it exists.

Richie Rich (1994)

Roller coaster?                Check.
Launch cannon?              Check.
Personal McDonalds?     Check.

Best. Life. Ever.

Let's not forget that young Richie thwarts the evil plan of Laurence Van Dough and saves the day. The film also features an extremely versatile and resourceful family butler with more middle names than Mike Novitski. But come on, the family treasure behind Mt. Richmore is silly junk. Showwwww Meeee The Moneyyyyyy!


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