Why 2010 Hasn't Been as Bad as it Seems

Who the hell am I kidding, it's been terrible. You have to be batshit insane to think otherwise. This year would be like Purdue basketball being shown every time you turned on ESPN. Brutal.

To say the offerings at the theater the first nine months of the year have been underwhelming would be a compliment. I have seen exactly four good movies at the theater this year (Shutter Island, Inception, The Kids are All Right, and The Town).

But instead of what normal people watch, we get this. Seriously, this shit gets greenlit, yet PTA, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Jeremy Renner CAN'T GET FINANCING!

Listen, I know that the first 75% of the year is traditionally when the studios make a lot of money for taking a dump and putting it on the big screen. It's these cinematic times that provide funding for the types of films we want to see. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is FOUR GOOD MOVIES IN NINE MONTHS. Up to this point in the past couple of years, we've been given the likes of Juno, Crash, Moon, Little Miss Sunshine, Wall-E, The Dark Knight, The Hurt Locker, In Bruges, Up, Superbad, 3:10 to Yuma, Man on Wire, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Hot Fuzz, The Bourne Ultimatum, Into the Wild, Knocked Up, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, Zodiac, and Sunshine among many others.

We get this trash. I'd rather watch Stat bathe for 2 hours.

Also this year, we have lost the James Bond franchise for the foreseeable future, Scorsese to the small screen, 2-D movies to the gimmicky 3-D nonsense, and a number of studios to bankruptcy. Yikes. Perhaps if we actually get some good movies this fall, your boy Colin and I will feel more compelled to contribute to the blog. Hopefully tomorrow's The Social Network will compel me to rethink my stance on this year.

Get your weight up, 2010, you better have a hell of a final act.

Top 5 Immediately Recongizable Movie Songs

I am sure that I annoy my friends and random strangers in public by constantly asking "Quick! What movie is this song in?" Very few times do they answer correctly, mostly because they haven't seen half of the movies the songs are in. And the reason for that is that most of the movies the songs are in are not directed by Michael Bay. It's a pity, really. But I can't help it. There are a handful of songs out there that, when heard, trigger me to think of the (usually) great scene that they are in.

Obviously, theme songs are going to be omitted from this list. Mainly because you don't hear, say, the theme from Gladiator unless you're watching just that. Also, I made a decision not to select movies that, though they aren't theme songs, were very clearly made for the movie (sorry Stat, this song from your favorite movie is no longer eligible).

As if you didn't have any reason to continue reading, each of these three songs didn't make the cut. Yeah, the list is that good.

The top 5, in no particular order:

"Tequila" ~ Sandlot

The unashamed nostalgia pick. Try to tell me you hear this song and don't think of carny rides and vomiting on innocent bystanders and I will call you a liar! Perhaps the first song that I immediately identified with a film scene.

"Mad World" ~ Donnie Darko

An eerie and creepy song to end an eerie and creepy movie. Fitting, eh? Although my feelings towards this movie have diminished since I first saw it, this song and this scene remain strong. Bonus points for this song's great use in this video game commercial.

"Stuck in the Middle with You" ~ Reservoir Dogs

The best scene in an all time classic. Literally every time I hear this song I begin dancing around the room, selecting a victim, and pretending to slice their ear off dump gasoline on it. This will often solicit strange looks or praise, nothing in between.

"Night Ranger" and "Jessie's Girl" ~ Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights (drug deal scene)

June|Bug | MySpace Video

This scene always gives me chills. Always. This would make my list of top 5 scenes I've ever seen, and in all likelihood top it. Also, Alfred Molina (the drug dealer) would probably take my vote for best performance from someone in only a single scene of the movie. The song choices, the firecrackers, the unrelenting tension...incredible.

"Tiny Dancer" ~ Almost Famous

Am I biased because I love this song? Maybe. But can anyone actually argue against this? Certainly not. Watch and enjoy.

There you have it folks. Let me know what you would have included.

The Top 5 Most Badass Movie Scenes

Turn off The Notebook and turn up the Rage, folks, Nixy's back to discuss some movie badassery. If you're unprepared for the testosterone that follows, please stop reading and go watch Oprah.

A personal apology to Mel Gibson for not choosing this scene, but your ass is off the reservation and shouldn't be honored here.

It should also be noted that these are going to be the most badass moments on film, not necessarily a list of the biggest badasses. So, while Bill the Butcher is an undeniable badass, he doesn't have any moments that give you chills like the ones listed below. The same goes for Anton Chigurh. Although everything we see from them suggests that they are not to be trifled with, they lack that key, badass moment. Without further adieu, here are my top 5 badass movie moments.

#5: Unforgiven

The final scene in Unforgiven is made all the more badass by the calm, slow build up of William Munny during the film's previous 2 hours. We hear about all of these heinous acts of violence that he has committed without actually seeing any.....until he gets pissed off.

#4: Watchmen

Let me first say this: I understand that this spot could be filled with any number of scenes from 300, tis true. But that whole movie is badass. In fact, it's so badass that it gets redundant and overly one-dimensional. Watchmen is also not a particularly good film, however, a film based solely on Rorschach's character could have been fabulous and his scenes in the movie are flashes of what could have been. Here's the clip.

#3: V for Vendetta

There is something to be said for telling a roomful of armed men exactly what you're going to do to them, and then doing exactly that. Badass bonus points. Taking literally hundreds of bullets before opening a can: epic bonus points.

#2: Gladiator

There's a case to be made for a number of scenes from Gladiator, most notably this scene. Maximus has that titanic a pair of testicles. But, alas, you know what is coming. No surprise here, the only moment on this list that does not include killing.

#1: Heat

There was really no contest here. In terms of badassery on film, this is on another level. For nearly 10 minutes, there is hardly a word spoken, but plenty of gunfire. Just watch it and enjoy.

Prepare yourself.

Please let me know what I missed.

Until we meet again, Nixy out.

The second passenger on the H.M.S. Suckery

All right, every girl on the planet. When you're done seeing Eclipse for the seventh time this week, I'll go see Eclipse with you. I'll even pay.

We'll talk about how much we love the whole Twilight series on the way there. Important topics like how the movies have been great, but we love sinking our teeth into the books even more. We'll argue the whole drive about whether Bella should pick the werewolf or the vampire (I'll completely blow your mind with option #3: the Loch Ness Monster!). And as the credits are rolling, we'll giggle our heads off as we sneak back in for two more viewings, just so you can go for double digits.

The only catch? You first have to prove to me that at some point in any of these three movies someone...anyone...has smiled.

Good luck with that.

I mean, come on. Twilight is all about teenage love and hot vampire sex, right? (Or so I've heard.) Happy times! Let's perk it up a bit, shall we?

Nope.

Five more blank stares. I wish I was half as passionate as they are. And the pale guy in the middle is our hero, right? What's with that arm grab, man? Seems a little abusive. Granted, they are inexplicably standing in some sort of river rapid/cloud hybrid, and maybe she needs a little support...but I think you're leaving a bruise there, buddy. Methinks I just climbed aboard the werewolf bandwagon. Maybe he smiles every once in a while.

Of.

Course.

Not.

Sweet deltoid tribal tat though. Real boss. And convince me that last picture isn't a rape scene. The eyes tell the whole story. Her: terrified. Him: shirtless and determined.

At this point, I'm sure our female readers are pointing out to themselves that 1) wow, another guy hating on Twilight, how original...2) clearly those pictures are taken out of context, surely someone smiles at some point over the course of three movies...who needs smiling anyways, they're in love!...and 3) maybe she is about to get raped in that last picture, and I'm at least a little bit jealous.

1) You're right, I'm really going out on a limb here.

3) Seek therapy (not the-rapy)...and

2) I think all of these pictures are from the first two movies, clearly in Eclipse they rock all kinds of shit-eating grins for two hours! There must be at least more than zero in the following 1:33 trailer. Let's explore:

Nope, not a single one. Enjoy your trip on the H.M.S. Suckery, Eclipse. Say hi to Grown Ups for me,

Colin

The H.M.S. ABC Project: Z

Let's face it. You know where I'm going here. This half of the legendary H.M.S. writing team has put on unabashedly in the past for one movie, and three syllables. And even though I recently saw a different "Z" movie (three times in theaters) that taught me the importance of double tapping and limbering up, do I now, in the 26th hour, turn my back on the very greatness that got me here? I say no. Onward!

Zoolander

Come along with me on a quick photo tour of my favorite scenes!

 

 If any of our readers died in a freak gasoline fight accident, I would give one hell of a eugoogly. Complete with several "Earth to"s.

Don't do it, Derek. I hear he's fast, too fast.

 Surprise!

 Hi Derek, I'm little Cletus. I'm here to tell you the truth about child labor laws...they're silly and outdated! OBEY MY DOG!

Fact: these two were so committed to their characters that the stud on the left actually got those Hansel tattoos...though promptly returned the zebra belt/Razor scooter holster and the torquoise necklace to Target on November 1st.

And that's it! 26 up, 26 down baby! I'll be back on Sunday to recap our entire A-Z picks and reflect back on what we've all learned this month. Thank you sincerely to our 7.5 readers. You guys are great, and the comments are always appreciated. Peace!

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude,

Colin

(Nix's "Z" pick: Zombieland)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: Y

What an awful letter X was, I can't believe we gave that movie the light of day here. "Y" is thin, although there is a worthy candidate here and we will not have to bore you with nonsense like yesterdays pick.

I have a soft spot for Mel Brooks. Well, not so much his work as a whole, just Spaceballs, Blazing Saddles, and today's choice.

Young Frankenstein

Apparently that's Frankenstein meets the Tin Man meets the Oscar statue

This isn't nearly as quality or quotable as Blazing Saddles or Spaceballs, but it certainly gets the job done. Besides, what other Y movies are there to choose from?

This one goes out to Landon Donovan.

(Colin's Y Pick: Young Frankenstein)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: X

There are no good movies that start with the letter X. At least, until the Coen brothers' Xylophone comes out in 2013. But until then, let's just say I'm not happy about today's post and move on. Besides, I'm still recovering from this mornings epic soccer match.

X-Men

I don't like this movie at all, but it's better than its sequels and both XXX movies.

I'm the juggernaut...bitch,

Colin

(Nixy's "X" Pick: X-Men...also begrudgingly)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: W

Busy week for this guy, folks. My apologies for the brevity tonight but we're going to dive right in.

It should be noted at this point that were this a "best song karaoked by two of the sexiest men alive" list, Wild Wild West would be the winner. But it isn't, so it's not.

If this list were compiled more than two years ago, one of the following three movies would have been chosen:

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

What About Bob

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

But the list wasn't, so one wasn't picked.

Instead, we're going all the way back to 2008 for today's pick. A year when people drove hybrid cars and listened to music on iPods. I know, we're going way back for this one.

The Wrestler

In any other decade this would have been the top movie, but the last decade also introduced us to There Will Be Blood, so The Wrestler will have to settle for number 2. Truly a great film and a real crime that Sean Penn beat Mickey Rourke for the Oscar in 2009 - and that's no discredit to Penn's work in Milk. Another tremendous snub is how this film failed to receive a Best Picture nomination over good (not great) films like Frost/Nixon, The Reader, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Shame on you, Academy.

(Colin's W Pick: The Wrestler)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: V

V is for viewing Vertigo via VCR...for vehicular valor and very high places.

V is for Vicky Christina Barcelona...for vignettes on vague vacation sexual boundaries, for a vigorously vengeful Penelope Cruz, and for Javier Bardem getting his pick of a variety of vino-influenced vaginas women.

V is for Varsity Blues...for a vexation on vanilla sundaes with whipped cream but void of ice cream...for Van Der Beeks valiantly vaulting would-be tacklers and venomously vile coaches with varicose veins named Voight venturing past various lines of decency in the name of a villainous vice for victory.

V is even for The Village...for vacationing vegan vagrants in a valley of vegetation, a vacuum void of vaccination and clever plot devices where vaudevillian varmints vaguely vanquish their victims.

V is for Verbal Kint...for Ace Ventura, Darth Vader, Voldemort and Vito Corleone...for Viggo Mortensen, Val Kilmer, and doubly for Vince Vaughn.

V is for masked and vested vigilantes with a voracious and vivacious vocabulary and limited vincibility...for vowing vindictive, volcanic violence and self-promoting viral video...for virtuoso vocal performance. Of course, V is also for...

V For Vendetta

I will now leave you with this brilliance, and 50 more V words. Enjoy.

Remember remember the 5th of November, the gunpowder treason and plot...I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot,

Colin

(Nix's "V" pick: V For Vendetta)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: U

We're developing an appreciation for westerns here, it seems. Sorry Tombstone, but today we're going to talk about a truly great western, and the best example of the genre that I have ever seen.

I'm a little surprised that I put such little thought into selecting The Usual Suspects (sorry Keyser Soze if you're reading this). It's one of the all time greats with the best ending of any film I've seen. Also snubbed are Unbreakable, as I have a soft spot for all pre-Lady in the Water Shyamalan films, and Up, which could have made a run at our winner if it's latter half wasn't so underwhelming.

Unforgiven

Total badass

Clint Eastwood definitely has a reputation when it comes to westerns. But in my mind this is his best work in the genre. Despite how many great character's he's played within this genre, Bill Munny definitely sports the most utterly titanic pair of stones of any of his roles.

Let me also say this, I don't particularly care for westerns, but this movie is special. It's shockingly subtle for the genre, withholding the outrageous shootouts that make most westerns ridiculous. In fact, the majority of the movie contains little direct violence. There's a lot of talk about violence, particularly about how much of a badass Bill Munny is. As the viewer, we start to question all of this talk about Bill's prior actions, because we see no sign of the person with the massive testicles they seem to be talking about. He's so detached from everything that we find it hard to believe some of the stories we hear about him.

And then somebody pisses Bill off....

(Colin's U Pick: Up)