The second passenger on the H.M.S. Suckery

All right, every girl on the planet. When you're done seeing Eclipse for the seventh time this week, I'll go see Eclipse with you. I'll even pay.

We'll talk about how much we love the whole Twilight series on the way there. Important topics like how the movies have been great, but we love sinking our teeth into the books even more. We'll argue the whole drive about whether Bella should pick the werewolf or the vampire (I'll completely blow your mind with option #3: the Loch Ness Monster!). And as the credits are rolling, we'll giggle our heads off as we sneak back in for two more viewings, just so you can go for double digits.

The only catch? You first have to prove to me that at some point in any of these three movies someone...anyone...has smiled.

Good luck with that.

I mean, come on. Twilight is all about teenage love and hot vampire sex, right? (Or so I've heard.) Happy times! Let's perk it up a bit, shall we?

Nope.

Five more blank stares. I wish I was half as passionate as they are. And the pale guy in the middle is our hero, right? What's with that arm grab, man? Seems a little abusive. Granted, they are inexplicably standing in some sort of river rapid/cloud hybrid, and maybe she needs a little support...but I think you're leaving a bruise there, buddy. Methinks I just climbed aboard the werewolf bandwagon. Maybe he smiles every once in a while.

Of.

Course.

Not.

Sweet deltoid tribal tat though. Real boss. And convince me that last picture isn't a rape scene. The eyes tell the whole story. Her: terrified. Him: shirtless and determined.

At this point, I'm sure our female readers are pointing out to themselves that 1) wow, another guy hating on Twilight, how original...2) clearly those pictures are taken out of context, surely someone smiles at some point over the course of three movies...who needs smiling anyways, they're in love!...and 3) maybe she is about to get raped in that last picture, and I'm at least a little bit jealous.

1) You're right, I'm really going out on a limb here.

3) Seek therapy (not the-rapy)...and

2) I think all of these pictures are from the first two movies, clearly in Eclipse they rock all kinds of shit-eating grins for two hours! There must be at least more than zero in the following 1:33 trailer. Let's explore:

Nope, not a single one. Enjoy your trip on the H.M.S. Suckery, Eclipse. Say hi to Grown Ups for me,

Colin