The H.M.S. ABC Project: K

Let's take a step back and look at college sports right now. The NCAA takes a Purdue on USC football and lays down heavy sanctions. Colorado loses scholarships. UConn is being investigated. Eric Bledsoe and Calipari are being investigated for alleged academic fraud and possible money changing hands. Oh, and there's that little Nebraska (and more?) move to the Big Ten. Quite the busy off season indeed, I just thought we'd recognize that here before we get things going.

And how could I forget, Matt Painter was convicted on three counts of child rape and four acts of treason due to his associations with Al-Qaeda [citation needed].

Anyway, onward and upward!

In a Thompson-esque move I'm not going to even consider another "K" movie - and there is really no reason to. Today's choice features a bomb ass soundtrack, absolutely fantastic revenge sequences, and the most incredible display of facial hair in the history of modern civilization.

The only man whose milkshake is safe from Daniel Plainview

That should be a giveaway. Today's selection, obviously, is Kill Bill (both volumes).

Kill Bill

Don't #$% with the bride

I know what you're thinking: "Those two Hoosier movie bloggers are awfully sexy. The things I would do to be in the same room as them..." I also know what you might be thinking: "Alex, you are cheating by combining both Volumes into one entry." False.

In truth, it is only one movie. Quentin Tarantino was told by Miramax that he needed to cut down the over 4 hour running time to release the movie. In a decision we are all thankful for, QT decided to release it as two volumes. So, from its initial conception to shortly before it was released, this was one movie. It was divided into two separate volumes to keep the film's integrity intact. It should be noted that this is exactly why the people who talk Purdue about the movie but have only seen one volume should shut their dirty whorish mouths until they finish the revenge epic.

**Colin, I would like to claim epic bonus points for pointing out that Jim Carrey says "Hi Ho Silver, AWAAAAAYYYYYY" in both Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls and Bruce Almighty. I graciously accept the aforementioned epic amount of bonus points.

(Colin's "K" Pick: Kill Bill)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: J

Today my trusty DVD search failed me again. Big time. Like...we own zero "J" movies. None. Hmm...

Before hopping on the internet or settling for Nix's pick, I looked left to the now-never-used entertainment center in the forgotten corner of our basement. And I remembered that lurking inside the rich mahogany tones of its oak doors lie some of the greatest movies ever made...at least in the 80s and 90s. That's right, VHS baby!

You may or may not remember this, but DVDs didn't always exist. Back in the day (it was a Wednesday), terms like "tracking," "Be kind, rewind" and "Tecmo Bowl" were part of our every day lexicon...and Scott's Food & Fricken Pharmacy had a video rental department! My brother and I rented Blades of Steel for NES there! I know, right!

Anyways, let's just say I was excited. Below are some highlights of my "Pretty much as cool as Ahhhnold's lines in Batman & Robin" findings:

If you look closely, you'll see my mom a) tried to sell The Mummy for $1, and b) apparently no one bought it. I can't decide which crime is worse.

"But, oh wise, handsome one," you ask me, "None of these movies start with 'J'. What was the point of your story? Don't get me wrong, I love reading every sentence you so artfully construct. But I feel like you're just dragging us along on a pointless narrative to No-where's-ville."

Fear not, my friend. For there was indeed a film tucked away in our Video Home System archives that fits today's script perfectly, and I'm ashamed I hadn't already thought of it. I give you...

Jurrasic Park

Hold on to your butts!

Velociraptors! Peril! Jeff Goldblum! Dammit this movie is good. If you're able to shake off its terrible sequels (apologies to Vince Vaughn and William H. Macy), and appreciate the first movie for its pure epic-ocity and sheer brilliance, congratulations! (If not, well...looking at you, Matrix trilogy.)

While its special effects may look a tad dated now (although really not as much as you'd expect), in 1993 this movie was an incredible achievement. Trust me, I was six. I remember these things. Spielberg brought dinosaurs to life, and when they weren't trying to eat Newman, they looked like a lot of fun to go visit.

This movie also features the first half of the only time I can think of an actor delivering an iconic line, then saying the same line as a completely different character in another movie five years later. Bonus points if you know what I'm talking about, but the fact that no YouTube video exists with both movies is a complete failure by YouTube. Get your act together, YouTube.

But, John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists,

Colin

(Nix's "J" pick: Juno)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: I

Today's selection is not only the best "I" movie, but also the best movie whose title is a prepositional phrase. Bold statement, I know. Let me first apologize to Into the Wild, and Inglorious Basterds, as they are equally deserving of today's honor. If you haven't seen either of these movies, please do so immediately and regain credibility amongst your peers. Or don't and you'll be subjected to comparisons to this waste of space. Your call.

I'm at least 93% certain that today's selection is my most watched DVD since I purchased it. Yeah, it's fantastic. Is it the best movie I've ever seen? No, but it's endlessly re-watchable in a way few movies are.

In Bruges

...It's in Belgium

Honestly, I've been waiting since we started this to talk about this movie. It's truly criminal how few people have seen/heard of this movie. It's a dark comedy/crime thriller, which sounds like a bad mixture. Wrong. In Bruges is painfully funny, with just the right amount of crime thriller elements to drive the plot. But really, it's Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and a hilarious Ralph Fiennes that make this movie what it is. It's so much less about the plot of the film, and more about the characters and the city of Bruges - which, according to Farrell, is a "purdue hole."

Imagine what he'd think of West Lafayette

A film that will change the way you think of midgets, inanimate objects, karate chops, and ridiculous criminals. I can link clips of this movie all night, but I'd rather you just see the movie and share in the fun. It may not be for everyone, but it's for most people. Its dark humor is relentless, as are the surprises we run into as the plot unfolds. You will not be able to predict this movie, so sit back and relish how things unfold. You won't be disappointed.

(Colin's "I" pick: Inglorious Basterds)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: H

This might be the easiest decision of all time. I mean, would you respect us as the impeccable journalists and respected members of the Hoosier fan community that we are if I went anywhere else with this pick? I'm not even going to consider any other options. Onward!

Hoosiers

  At press time, there were still no plans for a remake starring Kelvin Sampson.

This really needs no explanation, so allow me to instead bless you with the following bits of awesomeness. Good luck not crying.

Welcome to Indiana basketball,

Colin

(Nix's "H" pick: High Fidelity)...(I'm considering kicking him off the blog for this one)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: G

For me, picking a G movie is like Tiger Woods picking from any number of certified dime pieces to cheat on his wife with. Not easy when you have access to so many great choices. Even with a loaded letter like this, the pick was an easy one. My apologies to the following strong candidates that just didn't cut it:

Gladiator

Gangs of New York

Good Will Hunting

Groundhog Day

Gran Torino

The Godfather

Who wants a mustache ride?

As much as I love watching those other "G" movies, the pick today is a relatively simple one. It is arguably the greatest work from the greatest living director. When you put it that way it's not so hard, is it (that's what she said)?

Goodfellas

The greatest gangster movie ever made - hands down. This movie has so much, it really does. Joe Pesci terrifies me in this movie (mostly because my main image of him growing up was in PG rated Macaulay Culkin family flicks).

He makes Stat look like Brad Pitt

My apologies for the horrifying Culkin picture. All I wanted to do was google his name to confirm the spelling and google subjected me to that atrocity. So naturally I had to share it with you.

As for Goodfellas, there are very few flawless films, and this is one of them. Ray Liotta's rise to gangster street cred is captivating (if entirely unimpressive compared to my own). Martin Scorsese has never been better, nor has he ever been more snubbed than with this film, and he got snubbed plenty of times. Dances with @#$&-ing Wolves won the Oscar and Kevin Costner took Best Director over this masterpiece. Instead, Marty had to wait until The Departed to finally get him the Oscar he needed to tie Three Six Mafia's Oscar total (seriously, these guys).

Ba-dee ba-dee ba-dee that's all folks. Until Colin gets nasty on some "H" movies tomorrow, I'll leave you with a quote from John Wooden.

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

(Colin's "G" Pick: Good Will Hunting)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: F

Every day before sitting here to pen the best two-man, Hoosier-dedicated, non-sports blog in the tri-state area, I comb through the family's DVD collection, searching for titles beginning with the day's letter, and yearning to feel inspired (because it's hard to write four-hyphen, five-comma sentences). Today's search yielded the following results: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Finding Forrester (a double F!), and Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Bueller...Bueller...Edition. I wasn't quite as inspired as I'd hoped.

When Cameron was in Egypt's land...let my Cameron...goooo.

And while I loves me some Bueller as much as any self-respecting American should, does the world really need another 1,000 words on his laissez-faire, carpe diem outlook on life? Let's just say the subject has been had and leave it at that.

Another obvious choice here, at least for me, is Fight Club. But I feel I've already written the defining review on this gem, and decorum prohibits me from going any further. Feel free to comb our archives if you feel gypped.

So what to do? There's another pair of great "F" movies (Forrest Gump & Finding Nemo) that are just as widely seen and boring to talk about, so let's go with one that perhaps you haven't enjoyed yet.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

 Slightly more fantastic than George Clooney's actual life.

I've been meaning to write about this flick for a little while, but kept forgetting. Also, I'm lazy. I keep telling you this. But while I have you, let me just say: I love this movie. If you're at all familiar with Wes Anderson's movies (Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic), you surely already appreciate his wry humor and silliness. And his gratuitous use of Bill Murray, who here plays a badger lawyer to perfection. Put it all together and add stop motion puppets? Perfection.

If you're gonna cuss with somebody, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!,

Colin

(Nix's "F" pick: Fargo)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: E

The most common letter in the English language. This should be an entry filled with great candidates, correct? False. "E" is a surprisingly thin letter for movies, yet there are couple of quality flicks to discuss here.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was widely regarded as one of the top films of the past decade, and rightfully so. It's truly unique in such a way that few films are. I admire, respect, and revisit the film often. Eastern Promises is also worth mentioning - though there is a little too much of Viggo's tallywhacker to be selected here.

Trying to sneak attack Viggo dick hangin' in a bath house will not bode well for you.

Naturally, they didn't make the cut. Get over it, hermano (or at least direct your less piercing profanities to the comments below).

Edward Scissorhands

I have long been a fan of Tim Burton and his extraordinary imagination. His original Batman was the class of the comic book genre until recent years. Big Fish and Sweeney Todd are also extremely enjoyable. But let's be honest, when you think of Tim Burton you think of Edward Scissorhands. This take on alienation and suburbia is so easy to like how could I not pick it here?

Winona Ryder's career after this movie: 2 Oscar nominations and shoplifting.

Side note: I distinctly remember the first time that I heard a female mention how attractive Johnny Depp was I thought "wait, the pasty ass hedge trimmer? Clearly you must jest, you worthless nincompoop."

Anyway, there you have the "E" pick from the Snobs. Please let me know what I forgot in the comments.

(Colin's "E" pick: The Emperor's New Groove)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: D

Yeah, I know. Tuesday's "B" entry was a little questionable. I ignored reason and a lot of really good movies, and went purely with my heart. A heart that yearns for silly 80s Tom Hanks comedies. Call me crazy if you'd like, I'll call me a maverick. (And not the kind of maverick who can see Russia from her house. A real maverick. One who participates in fly-bys even when the pattern is full and who...is...dangerous...Ice...man.)

Yet, even if my "B" pick was borderline befuddling, I daresay today's "D" selection could definitely be indefensibly dumb...downright dangerous, even.

Apologies to the following:

The Dark Knight
The Departed
Days of Thunder
Die Hard
Dumb & Dumber
District 9
Dawn of the Dead
and especially Dante's Peak

But there can be only one winner here, and I've been waiting four long days to type the following:

Dazed and Confused

 Rumored to be even better while high...rumored.

Dazed and Confused takes place on the last day of school in the year of our country's bicentennial...a time where, apparently, 96-97% of the population was chain smoking pot, and it was totally acceptable to chase down younger kids from your high school and beat them senseless with your homemade, elaborately decorated paddle.

 How to lose a girl in 10 days? Wear pink corduroys.

And what does this movie teach us? Well, admittedly, not a whole lot. Except for the absolute fact that Matthew McConaughey used to be a terrible actor (ok he didn't get much better). But what we do get is undoubtedly the best soundtrack ever, and a huge ensemble cast of talented young actors (excluding the aforementioned stud muffin and a young Tim Lincecum). And a damn good time. And isn't that what it's all about? Hear, hear.

Did ya ever look at a dollar bill, man? There's some spooky shit goin' on there. And it's green too,

Colin

(Nixaliciousness's "D" pick: The Dark Knight)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: C

Of the many letters of the alphabet we've covered thus far, "C" is by far the letter most littered with some of the medium's most influential films. I mean, look at this list of certifiable classics.

Citizen Kane

Casablanca

A Clockwork Orange

Chinatown

Cool Hand Luke

There is no doubting those credentials. But, naturally, they all missed the cut. For me, this came down to a more personal choice. As much as I wanted to choose Closer or The Count of Monte Cristo, alas I could not. The former was too vulgar (fittingly, too many "C words"), the latter just not quite good enough, despite being one of my most watched films (if that makes any sense). This was really a two horse race. Children of Men is a fantastic movie as many of you know, and certainly one of the more amazing movies technically. The degree of difficulty and badassery (yes, a word) of some of the tracking sequences is astounding. Ultimately, the movie is too much like Casablanca (ex-lover comes back to her former man to get papers to transport somebody out of the country....sound familiar?) to win a tight race against your eventual winner.

City of God

This shouldn't be much of a shock for those of you that have been fortunate enough to see this Brazilian classic. Many people I know haven't seen this because "oh it's foreign? I don't do subtitles." Undoubtedly as big an error in judgment as when Myles Brand fired Bob Knight. Fine, go watch Michael Bay take another dump on celluloid. Satisfied?

Michael Bay, just after filming himself take a dump, gets his megaphone out to scream at his crew and make sure they objectify women more appropriately in his next film

City of God is such a tremendous story with great characters that you cannot help but be completely swept up in the story, whether it's told in Portuguese, French, Na'vi, Ebonics, or English. Literally, I have never found someone that didn't love this movie, and that is something I cannot say about many other movies, if any at all. Please, do yourself a favor and watch it, you won't regret it.

That's all from me tonight, be sure to check back tomorrow for Colin's "D" pick, as well as Friday when I return to discuss eeeeeEEEEEE...(Blue?) movies.

(Colin's "C" Pick: City of God - the first unanimous selection by the snobs)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: B

When Nix came to me with this fantastic idea, I was admittedly a bit hesitant at first. I mean, 26 posts in 26 days?! We can barely manage two in that time frame. But here we are at the B's already! We're just chugging along, and I'm really proud of our effort thus far. We're simply two guys with a vision of blogging immortality, and right now all of our wildest dreams are coming true. We have so many people to thank for helping get us here, but there's really no time for that. Onward!

Let me first say...there's a hell of a lot of "B" movies I love. Just look at this list of "B" comedies!

Billy Madison
Blues Brothers
Beverly Hills Cop (1&2...screw 3)
Blazing Saddles
Brokeback Mountain
Back to the Future (all of them!)
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (Keanu's greatest work)
Beetlejuice
Batman & Robin

There's some other quality "B" movies (Boogie Nights, Braveheart, Breaking Away, A Beautiful Mind, Battlefield Earth), but screw it. I'm sticking with a comedy. And my favorite Tom Hanks movie ever...

The 'Burbs

Admit it, you were expecting "Big"

Yes, The 'Burbs! It's got everything...Explosions! Satanic rituals! Epic 80s zooms! Corey Feldman!

If we kept up a list of "criminally underseen" movies (and don't put it past us), this would be right at the top for me. It's been out for 21 years, go see it already! (You can buy The 'Burbs AND The Money Pit together...what a great night of movies that would be.)

And if we had a movie character draft (and again...probably coming soon), Rumsfield would go somewhere in the 3rd-5th pick for me. The guy is a legend, chock full of one-liners.

All right, that's it for me. I'll see you Thursday, D-Day.

I've never seen anybody drive their garbage down to the street and bang the hell out of it with a stick,

Colin

(Nixy's "B" pick: Boogie Nights)