Why 2010 Hasn't Been as Bad as it Seems

Who the hell am I kidding, it's been terrible. You have to be batshit insane to think otherwise. This year would be like Purdue basketball being shown every time you turned on ESPN. Brutal.

To say the offerings at the theater the first nine months of the year have been underwhelming would be a compliment. I have seen exactly four good movies at the theater this year (Shutter Island, Inception, The Kids are All Right, and The Town).

But instead of what normal people watch, we get this. Seriously, this shit gets greenlit, yet PTA, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Jeremy Renner CAN'T GET FINANCING!

Listen, I know that the first 75% of the year is traditionally when the studios make a lot of money for taking a dump and putting it on the big screen. It's these cinematic times that provide funding for the types of films we want to see. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is FOUR GOOD MOVIES IN NINE MONTHS. Up to this point in the past couple of years, we've been given the likes of Juno, Crash, Moon, Little Miss Sunshine, Wall-E, The Dark Knight, The Hurt Locker, In Bruges, Up, Superbad, 3:10 to Yuma, Man on Wire, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Hot Fuzz, The Bourne Ultimatum, Into the Wild, Knocked Up, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, Zodiac, and Sunshine among many others.

We get this trash. I'd rather watch Stat bathe for 2 hours.

Also this year, we have lost the James Bond franchise for the foreseeable future, Scorsese to the small screen, 2-D movies to the gimmicky 3-D nonsense, and a number of studios to bankruptcy. Yikes. Perhaps if we actually get some good movies this fall, your boy Colin and I will feel more compelled to contribute to the blog. Hopefully tomorrow's The Social Network will compel me to rethink my stance on this year.

Get your weight up, 2010, you better have a hell of a final act.

Top 5 Immediately Recongizable Movie Songs

I am sure that I annoy my friends and random strangers in public by constantly asking "Quick! What movie is this song in?" Very few times do they answer correctly, mostly because they haven't seen half of the movies the songs are in. And the reason for that is that most of the movies the songs are in are not directed by Michael Bay. It's a pity, really. But I can't help it. There are a handful of songs out there that, when heard, trigger me to think of the (usually) great scene that they are in.

Obviously, theme songs are going to be omitted from this list. Mainly because you don't hear, say, the theme from Gladiator unless you're watching just that. Also, I made a decision not to select movies that, though they aren't theme songs, were very clearly made for the movie (sorry Stat, this song from your favorite movie is no longer eligible).

As if you didn't have any reason to continue reading, each of these three songs didn't make the cut. Yeah, the list is that good.

The top 5, in no particular order:

"Tequila" ~ Sandlot

The unashamed nostalgia pick. Try to tell me you hear this song and don't think of carny rides and vomiting on innocent bystanders and I will call you a liar! Perhaps the first song that I immediately identified with a film scene.

"Mad World" ~ Donnie Darko

An eerie and creepy song to end an eerie and creepy movie. Fitting, eh? Although my feelings towards this movie have diminished since I first saw it, this song and this scene remain strong. Bonus points for this song's great use in this video game commercial.

"Stuck in the Middle with You" ~ Reservoir Dogs

The best scene in an all time classic. Literally every time I hear this song I begin dancing around the room, selecting a victim, and pretending to slice their ear off dump gasoline on it. This will often solicit strange looks or praise, nothing in between.

"Night Ranger" and "Jessie's Girl" ~ Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights (drug deal scene)

June|Bug | MySpace Video

This scene always gives me chills. Always. This would make my list of top 5 scenes I've ever seen, and in all likelihood top it. Also, Alfred Molina (the drug dealer) would probably take my vote for best performance from someone in only a single scene of the movie. The song choices, the firecrackers, the unrelenting tension...incredible.

"Tiny Dancer" ~ Almost Famous

Am I biased because I love this song? Maybe. But can anyone actually argue against this? Certainly not. Watch and enjoy.

There you have it folks. Let me know what you would have included.

The Top 5 Most Badass Movie Scenes

Turn off The Notebook and turn up the Rage, folks, Nixy's back to discuss some movie badassery. If you're unprepared for the testosterone that follows, please stop reading and go watch Oprah.

A personal apology to Mel Gibson for not choosing this scene, but your ass is off the reservation and shouldn't be honored here.

It should also be noted that these are going to be the most badass moments on film, not necessarily a list of the biggest badasses. So, while Bill the Butcher is an undeniable badass, he doesn't have any moments that give you chills like the ones listed below. The same goes for Anton Chigurh. Although everything we see from them suggests that they are not to be trifled with, they lack that key, badass moment. Without further adieu, here are my top 5 badass movie moments.

#5: Unforgiven

The final scene in Unforgiven is made all the more badass by the calm, slow build up of William Munny during the film's previous 2 hours. We hear about all of these heinous acts of violence that he has committed without actually seeing any.....until he gets pissed off.

#4: Watchmen

Let me first say this: I understand that this spot could be filled with any number of scenes from 300, tis true. But that whole movie is badass. In fact, it's so badass that it gets redundant and overly one-dimensional. Watchmen is also not a particularly good film, however, a film based solely on Rorschach's character could have been fabulous and his scenes in the movie are flashes of what could have been. Here's the clip.

#3: V for Vendetta

There is something to be said for telling a roomful of armed men exactly what you're going to do to them, and then doing exactly that. Badass bonus points. Taking literally hundreds of bullets before opening a can: epic bonus points.

#2: Gladiator

There's a case to be made for a number of scenes from Gladiator, most notably this scene. Maximus has that titanic a pair of testicles. But, alas, you know what is coming. No surprise here, the only moment on this list that does not include killing.

#1: Heat

There was really no contest here. In terms of badassery on film, this is on another level. For nearly 10 minutes, there is hardly a word spoken, but plenty of gunfire. Just watch it and enjoy.

Prepare yourself.

Please let me know what I missed.

Until we meet again, Nixy out.

The second passenger on the H.M.S. Suckery

All right, every girl on the planet. When you're done seeing Eclipse for the seventh time this week, I'll go see Eclipse with you. I'll even pay.

We'll talk about how much we love the whole Twilight series on the way there. Important topics like how the movies have been great, but we love sinking our teeth into the books even more. We'll argue the whole drive about whether Bella should pick the werewolf or the vampire (I'll completely blow your mind with option #3: the Loch Ness Monster!). And as the credits are rolling, we'll giggle our heads off as we sneak back in for two more viewings, just so you can go for double digits.

The only catch? You first have to prove to me that at some point in any of these three movies someone...anyone...has smiled.

Good luck with that.

I mean, come on. Twilight is all about teenage love and hot vampire sex, right? (Or so I've heard.) Happy times! Let's perk it up a bit, shall we?

Nope.

Five more blank stares. I wish I was half as passionate as they are. And the pale guy in the middle is our hero, right? What's with that arm grab, man? Seems a little abusive. Granted, they are inexplicably standing in some sort of river rapid/cloud hybrid, and maybe she needs a little support...but I think you're leaving a bruise there, buddy. Methinks I just climbed aboard the werewolf bandwagon. Maybe he smiles every once in a while.

Of.

Course.

Not.

Sweet deltoid tribal tat though. Real boss. And convince me that last picture isn't a rape scene. The eyes tell the whole story. Her: terrified. Him: shirtless and determined.

At this point, I'm sure our female readers are pointing out to themselves that 1) wow, another guy hating on Twilight, how original...2) clearly those pictures are taken out of context, surely someone smiles at some point over the course of three movies...who needs smiling anyways, they're in love!...and 3) maybe she is about to get raped in that last picture, and I'm at least a little bit jealous.

1) You're right, I'm really going out on a limb here.

3) Seek therapy (not the-rapy)...and

2) I think all of these pictures are from the first two movies, clearly in Eclipse they rock all kinds of shit-eating grins for two hours! There must be at least more than zero in the following 1:33 trailer. Let's explore:

Nope, not a single one. Enjoy your trip on the H.M.S. Suckery, Eclipse. Say hi to Grown Ups for me,

Colin

The H.M.S. ABC Project: Z

Let's face it. You know where I'm going here. This half of the legendary H.M.S. writing team has put on unabashedly in the past for one movie, and three syllables. And even though I recently saw a different "Z" movie (three times in theaters) that taught me the importance of double tapping and limbering up, do I now, in the 26th hour, turn my back on the very greatness that got me here? I say no. Onward!

Zoolander

Come along with me on a quick photo tour of my favorite scenes!

 

 If any of our readers died in a freak gasoline fight accident, I would give one hell of a eugoogly. Complete with several "Earth to"s.

Don't do it, Derek. I hear he's fast, too fast.

 Surprise!

 Hi Derek, I'm little Cletus. I'm here to tell you the truth about child labor laws...they're silly and outdated! OBEY MY DOG!

Fact: these two were so committed to their characters that the stud on the left actually got those Hansel tattoos...though promptly returned the zebra belt/Razor scooter holster and the torquoise necklace to Target on November 1st.

And that's it! 26 up, 26 down baby! I'll be back on Sunday to recap our entire A-Z picks and reflect back on what we've all learned this month. Thank you sincerely to our 7.5 readers. You guys are great, and the comments are always appreciated. Peace!

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude,

Colin

(Nix's "Z" pick: Zombieland)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: Y

What an awful letter X was, I can't believe we gave that movie the light of day here. "Y" is thin, although there is a worthy candidate here and we will not have to bore you with nonsense like yesterdays pick.

I have a soft spot for Mel Brooks. Well, not so much his work as a whole, just Spaceballs, Blazing Saddles, and today's choice.

Young Frankenstein

Apparently that's Frankenstein meets the Tin Man meets the Oscar statue

This isn't nearly as quality or quotable as Blazing Saddles or Spaceballs, but it certainly gets the job done. Besides, what other Y movies are there to choose from?

This one goes out to Landon Donovan.

(Colin's Y Pick: Young Frankenstein)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: X

There are no good movies that start with the letter X. At least, until the Coen brothers' Xylophone comes out in 2013. But until then, let's just say I'm not happy about today's post and move on. Besides, I'm still recovering from this mornings epic soccer match.

X-Men

I don't like this movie at all, but it's better than its sequels and both XXX movies.

I'm the juggernaut...bitch,

Colin

(Nixy's "X" Pick: X-Men...also begrudgingly)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: W

Busy week for this guy, folks. My apologies for the brevity tonight but we're going to dive right in.

It should be noted at this point that were this a "best song karaoked by two of the sexiest men alive" list, Wild Wild West would be the winner. But it isn't, so it's not.

If this list were compiled more than two years ago, one of the following three movies would have been chosen:

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

What About Bob

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

But the list wasn't, so one wasn't picked.

Instead, we're going all the way back to 2008 for today's pick. A year when people drove hybrid cars and listened to music on iPods. I know, we're going way back for this one.

The Wrestler

In any other decade this would have been the top movie, but the last decade also introduced us to There Will Be Blood, so The Wrestler will have to settle for number 2. Truly a great film and a real crime that Sean Penn beat Mickey Rourke for the Oscar in 2009 - and that's no discredit to Penn's work in Milk. Another tremendous snub is how this film failed to receive a Best Picture nomination over good (not great) films like Frost/Nixon, The Reader, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Shame on you, Academy.

(Colin's W Pick: The Wrestler)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: V

V is for viewing Vertigo via VCR...for vehicular valor and very high places.

V is for Vicky Christina Barcelona...for vignettes on vague vacation sexual boundaries, for a vigorously vengeful Penelope Cruz, and for Javier Bardem getting his pick of a variety of vino-influenced vaginas women.

V is for Varsity Blues...for a vexation on vanilla sundaes with whipped cream but void of ice cream...for Van Der Beeks valiantly vaulting would-be tacklers and venomously vile coaches with varicose veins named Voight venturing past various lines of decency in the name of a villainous vice for victory.

V is even for The Village...for vacationing vegan vagrants in a valley of vegetation, a vacuum void of vaccination and clever plot devices where vaudevillian varmints vaguely vanquish their victims.

V is for Verbal Kint...for Ace Ventura, Darth Vader, Voldemort and Vito Corleone...for Viggo Mortensen, Val Kilmer, and doubly for Vince Vaughn.

V is for masked and vested vigilantes with a voracious and vivacious vocabulary and limited vincibility...for vowing vindictive, volcanic violence and self-promoting viral video...for virtuoso vocal performance. Of course, V is also for...

V For Vendetta

I will now leave you with this brilliance, and 50 more V words. Enjoy.

Remember remember the 5th of November, the gunpowder treason and plot...I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot,

Colin

(Nix's "V" pick: V For Vendetta)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: U

We're developing an appreciation for westerns here, it seems. Sorry Tombstone, but today we're going to talk about a truly great western, and the best example of the genre that I have ever seen.

I'm a little surprised that I put such little thought into selecting The Usual Suspects (sorry Keyser Soze if you're reading this). It's one of the all time greats with the best ending of any film I've seen. Also snubbed are Unbreakable, as I have a soft spot for all pre-Lady in the Water Shyamalan films, and Up, which could have made a run at our winner if it's latter half wasn't so underwhelming.

Unforgiven

Total badass

Clint Eastwood definitely has a reputation when it comes to westerns. But in my mind this is his best work in the genre. Despite how many great character's he's played within this genre, Bill Munny definitely sports the most utterly titanic pair of stones of any of his roles.

Let me also say this, I don't particularly care for westerns, but this movie is special. It's shockingly subtle for the genre, withholding the outrageous shootouts that make most westerns ridiculous. In fact, the majority of the movie contains little direct violence. There's a lot of talk about violence, particularly about how much of a badass Bill Munny is. As the viewer, we start to question all of this talk about Bill's prior actions, because we see no sign of the person with the massive testicles they seem to be talking about. He's so detached from everything that we find it hard to believe some of the stories we hear about him.

And then somebody pisses Bill off....

(Colin's U Pick: Up)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: T

Ok, so the obvious choice here is what I consider to be the best movie I've ever seen. Lemme go ahead and center its title with a larger font and a picture with a clever italicized caption underneath so you know I've officially selected it.

There Will Be Blood

 Clever, italicized caption.

All right, now that all that nonsense is out of the way, here's the movie I really want to talk about.

Tombstone

 Val Kilmer's shirt is that sweaty the entire movie.

It is possible to have an endlessly quotable, hilarious (intentionally AND unintentionally), and absolutely badass WESTERN? Yes! 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Val Kilmer's Doc Holliday is my favorite movie character ever. And it's not even close. Chock full of one-liners, an amazing poker player, and has the hottest lady in Tombstone. Oh, also he's dying of tuberculosis yet he's still the quickest draw around.

So do yourself a damn favor and see this movie immediately.

I'm your huckleberry,

Colin

(Nix's "T" Pick: There Will Be Blood)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: S

I am not going to select The Shawshank Redemption as the top S movie. Although I love Shawshank as much as the next guy I would be doing no service to anyone because we've all seen it. If for whatever reason you are living under a rock and haven't seen Shawshank, shame on you. Go see it, and only then will you be allowed to continue reading this article.

These folks have probably not seen Shawshank...or other human beings for that matter

I am also not going to pick Sunshine in this space since I've already devoted an entire post to it recently.

Also considered in this space were Saving Private Ryan, Schindler's List, Some Like It Hot, The Sixth Sense, and Se7en.

Alas, I just couldn't get myself to write about anything other than today's choice, despite the lack of clips available on the web to link to. It's a favorite of mine - painfully funny but serious when it needs to be. The film has some great quotes and even better characters, the latter of which makes the movie an excellent choice for repeat viewings.

Sideways

That couldn't have been easy for them to get in there

If they order merlot I'm leaving. Nixy out.

(Colin and Reid's S Pick: Space Jam)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: R

If I can change, and you can change...EVERYOAJKBFAOIECXODY CAN CHANGE! Or at least, so says Mr. Rocky Balboa, as he ended the Cold War in Rocky IV. But I'm not here to talk about that.

Nor am I here to talk about the evil genius's first film, Reservoir Dogs.

Nor am I here to talk about the third best sports movie to be filmed in the great Hoosier state (note that Indiana has never been referred to as the "Boilermaker state"). And really, why would I be? Sure, Rudy's a good movie, but come on. Notre Dame is a joke. Hell, last week I even beat a recent former player of theirs in more than one pickup basketball game. (Never mind that there were other people involved, a win is a win baby!)

What I AM here to talk about, however, is a very important movie in the lives of we young Snobs. You see, in any given 7 day week in high school, Nix and I, and a rotating cast of hooligans played poker at least 8-10 times (including 3-4 games each semester during finals week). First we'd show up with our own bags of quarters and play "you call it" games. Pass the Trash, In-Between, a little gem called Night Baseball. Then we graduated to clay chips and no-limit Texas Hold 'Em, the Cadillac of poker. This was a good move for my financial well-being in high school. I needed money to take my girlfriend to see The Notebook, after all.

And while playing poker for hours and hours, we watched one of two movies. Either Old School, or...

Rounders

This poster is confused about which guy is Matt Damon and which is Ed Norton.

Nothing over-inflates your sense of how good at poker you are...than watching this movie while playing poker. I guarantee every one of us at the table considered ourselves the game's own Mike McD. Or Worm. Or Joey Knish (looking at you, Mike "grind it out" Novitski). Me? I wanted to be the mad Russian, Teddy KGB. John Malkovich himself!

And nothing is cooler/more annoying than quoting a poker movie while playing poker.

In the poker game of life, women are the rake,

Colin

(Nix's "R" Pick: Reservoir Dogs)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: Q

I apologize in advance for today's brevity, I have little to say about today's selection. Fighting the urge to break the rules, I'm actually going to select a Q movie - something I wasn't planning on doing until today. When Colin and I conceived (this idea, that is), I marked Q as the day I would devote a post to Arrested Development. Instead, you'll get some of my usual AD allusions (not to be confused with illusions) but we'll stick to the script.

He is also the world's first professional analyst and therapist

I have two Q movies in my Netflix queue that may actually be worthy of selection (unlike today's choice), The Queen and Quiz Show. But, I cannot comment on the merits of those films. What I can do is give you today's winner, by default.

Quantum of Solace

Today's selection is based solely on how bad ass the opening car chase sequence is.

(Colin's "Q" Pick: Since Quantum of Solace was disappointingly terrible, the clever horror movie Quarantine)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: P

Here at Hoosier Movie Snobs, we enjoy taking a few liberties with the rules we ourselves make for...ourselves. Take our famed actor draft, for example, when I couldn't choose between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz, so I didn't. I took them both.

And here, on "P" day, I'm faced with a dilemma of equal weight and importance. Two movies, both alike in dignity, here on the internet, where we lay our scene. And today, I'm going to change it up on you by not being lazy and picking them both. So there! First, a couple can't-miss runners up:

Pan's Labyrinth
Princess Bride
The Prestige
Philadelphia

And now, my current wrestling match. Pulp Fiction or Punch-Drunk Love? Tarantino or PTA? Vincent Vega or Barry Egan?

Ah screw it.

Punch-Drunk Love

  

I would say 'that's that', Mattress Man,

Colin

(Nix's "P" Pick: Pulp Fiction)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: O

Today's selection is, simply, my favorite movie of all time. We will discuss one and only one movie today. It may be a little older than you're accustomed to, but in no way is it dated. I mean, come on, it features hilarious performances from Jack Nicholson, Danny DeVito, Christopher Lloyd, and the weird looking guy that wanted a cigarette in Ghost.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Potentially my 2010 Halloween costume

For those of you that cringe at the thought of watching a movie made before 1990: do yourself a favor. A lot of the "classics" aren't all they're cracked up to be, but this one delivers the goods. Everyone can relate with R.P. McMurphy's desire to stick it to an evil nurse (or maybe that's just me). But at least those of us Chargers can certainly relate to the desire to piss off the incompetent and absurd people in charge. McMurphy and Nurse Ratched butt heads throughout the movie and create one of the best good vs. evil dynamics I can remember.

McMurphy transforms the ward from obediently brainwashed to rebellious and demanding. The cast is wholly convincing as people that would be in the ward - partly because half the cast were real patients at the ward where the film was shot. Not to discredit the actors though, of course, because you really can't tell which are the actors and which are the crazies unless you know.

I don't want to post many clips or give too much away about the film. Go see it and I hope you enjoy it. It's my favorite movie of all time (although There Will Be Blood is making a push in recent years). Those of you that have seen it may not think it's the best film ever, but you'll agree on its merits. It's a touching film that will be well worth your time. You can do a lot worse with 2 hours of your time.

(Colin's O Pick: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: N

My life has been definied by one great movie, and three syllables:

The Notebook

 Will Noah and Allie end up together for-e-ver? I've got a single tear racing down my cheek just thinking about it!

Ok, so that was a joke. (Or was it...?) But let me just say this about The Notebook: God punished me for seeing this movie. No two ways about it. I picked my girlfriend up in my 1996, 80+ bumper-stickered, VW Jetta (second only to driving a tank in the manliness car scale), parked at the Coldwater Crossing movie theater in Fort Wayne (the hood), and walked inside to hate myself/hopefully score big time brownie points for the next hour and a half. And scene.

Next scene. We walk outside, I open the passenger door for the GF (ladies...), she sits down...and immediately falls backward because the seat was reclined. Hmm...it wasn't like that when we got here, we think. Other changes to the Jetta while we were away: the stereo, Wal-Mart steering wheel cover, a book of 200+ CDs, and probably $5.76 in change are now gone. And why? 

Two reasons: 1) as previously mentioned, just like when this creature and I sat side by side at the same theater and actually enjoyed Brokeback Mountain, God wasn't a fan of me seeing this movie. And 2) I was trying to "score big time brownie points." What the hell ARE brownie points, anyways? And why are we all constantly seeking them? I say screw that. No more! What, if I hold the door for you enough times and remember the details of some detailed (boring) story you were telling me earlier about some backstabbing friend, you're going to bake me brownies? Is that what we're hoping for?! If so, I believe that I am currently owed brownies. Like, enough to kill me. Pay up, former girlfriends!

Anyways...I deserved to drive home in music-less silence that night. And you deserve to see this movie.

No Country For Old Men

 I'm not your friend-o, friend-o.

I'm fixin' to do something dumber than hell, but I'm going anyways,

Colin

(Nix's "N" pick: No Country For Old Men)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: M

It's amazing how easy this choice was despite how many good titles it had to contend with. This was by far my easiest choice to date, with my next entry to be even easier - but we'll get to that on Monday.

I find it hard to believe it took us half the alphabet to get to a Paul Thomas Anderson film, although in our defense he had only one movie eligible up until this point. Regardless, a strong group of contenders should be noticed before we begin discussion of one of my favorite films of all time.

Memento is an absolute must see for anyone that has even a remote interest in movies. It's an unforgettable movie that introduced Christopher Nolan to the world. Commendable in every respect. Mystic River, Munich, Match Point, Mean Streets, and Miller's Crossing are also films that should be discussed. Look at the list of directors we have represented here: Nolan, Clint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg, Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, and the Coen brothers.

But, alas, we save the best for last. A film from yet another one of the best directors working today that belongs in the company of men listed above. The perfect film for when you're feeling froggy (pun most definitely intended).

Magnolia

This is a movie that is most definitely not for everyone. In fact (and correct me if I'm wrong), I'm pretty sure Colin hates this movie. That's fine, I acknowledge that this is a divisive choice. But I love it so much for what it is. It spins such a nicely woven portrait of a few seemingly unrelated stories taking place in the same neighborhood that seems like any other great ensemble piece. But then you get to the ending which is where the movie falls flat for some - or for those like me, where the movie takes flight. It's such a truly outrageous event that ties these stories together, but the beauty is that we're convinced that there is really no other way that it could have ended. There in lies the film's greatness. In absolutely no other film could that ending have worked - none. But here it's terrific.

But the fantastic story and ending only scratch the surface of what makes this film "for better or worse the best film I'll ever make," according to its director Paul Thomas Anderson. The characters are so well written and so excellently brought to life by the terrific ensemble cast. It features the best use of a song in a film that I've ever seen, in the terrific scene just before the skies open up. It has, to date, Tom Cruise's only significant and credible role - no offense, Maverick, but TJ Mackie (seduces and) destroys you (please do not click this link at work or near your grandmother).

As you should have been able to gather by this point, this is one of my all time favorites. I can go all night (that's what she said) about this movie. That being said, I know that not everyone will enjoy this film. It's long, slow (to some), and deep - but for me it's an absolute pleasure to watch such fine crafting by this generation's best director.

(Colin's M Pick: Memento)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: L

(Quick notice: I'm mailing today's post in. I've got 25 minutes tops to crank this baby out. Sorry. You'll survive.)

How easy would it be for me to pick Lord Of The Rings here? Pretty easy. But does Return Of The King get its own post in six days when we cover "R" movies? I don't know. We never really discussed the semantics of this project that in depth. But anyways, as much as I was obsessed with good 'ol LOTR when they came out, I haven't really had the slightest desire to pop any of them in and kiss 3-4 hours away in at least the last 3-4 years. And that has to count for something here, doesn't it?

Yet, a movie I always come back to, and one that happens to be way better date movie than any Kate Hudson movie not named Almost Famous, is this one.

Life As A House

 Before he became Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker dyed his hair purple and appeared in this movie.

So...yeah. Just trust me on this one, you won't regret it. And if nothing else, you'll get to enjoy the most awkward shower scene in movie history that doesn't involve Kevin Spacey. Cheers!

If you were a house, this is where you would want to be built. On rock...facing the sea...listening,

Colin

(Aloysius's "L" pick: Lost In Translation)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: K

Let's take a step back and look at college sports right now. The NCAA takes a Purdue on USC football and lays down heavy sanctions. Colorado loses scholarships. UConn is being investigated. Eric Bledsoe and Calipari are being investigated for alleged academic fraud and possible money changing hands. Oh, and there's that little Nebraska (and more?) move to the Big Ten. Quite the busy off season indeed, I just thought we'd recognize that here before we get things going.

And how could I forget, Matt Painter was convicted on three counts of child rape and four acts of treason due to his associations with Al-Qaeda [citation needed].

Anyway, onward and upward!

In a Thompson-esque move I'm not going to even consider another "K" movie - and there is really no reason to. Today's choice features a bomb ass soundtrack, absolutely fantastic revenge sequences, and the most incredible display of facial hair in the history of modern civilization.

The only man whose milkshake is safe from Daniel Plainview

That should be a giveaway. Today's selection, obviously, is Kill Bill (both volumes).

Kill Bill

Don't #$% with the bride

I know what you're thinking: "Those two Hoosier movie bloggers are awfully sexy. The things I would do to be in the same room as them..." I also know what you might be thinking: "Alex, you are cheating by combining both Volumes into one entry." False.

In truth, it is only one movie. Quentin Tarantino was told by Miramax that he needed to cut down the over 4 hour running time to release the movie. In a decision we are all thankful for, QT decided to release it as two volumes. So, from its initial conception to shortly before it was released, this was one movie. It was divided into two separate volumes to keep the film's integrity intact. It should be noted that this is exactly why the people who talk Purdue about the movie but have only seen one volume should shut their dirty whorish mouths until they finish the revenge epic.

**Colin, I would like to claim epic bonus points for pointing out that Jim Carrey says "Hi Ho Silver, AWAAAAAYYYYYY" in both Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls and Bruce Almighty. I graciously accept the aforementioned epic amount of bonus points.

(Colin's "K" Pick: Kill Bill)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: J

Today my trusty DVD search failed me again. Big time. Like...we own zero "J" movies. None. Hmm...

Before hopping on the internet or settling for Nix's pick, I looked left to the now-never-used entertainment center in the forgotten corner of our basement. And I remembered that lurking inside the rich mahogany tones of its oak doors lie some of the greatest movies ever made...at least in the 80s and 90s. That's right, VHS baby!

You may or may not remember this, but DVDs didn't always exist. Back in the day (it was a Wednesday), terms like "tracking," "Be kind, rewind" and "Tecmo Bowl" were part of our every day lexicon...and Scott's Food & Fricken Pharmacy had a video rental department! My brother and I rented Blades of Steel for NES there! I know, right!

Anyways, let's just say I was excited. Below are some highlights of my "Pretty much as cool as Ahhhnold's lines in Batman & Robin" findings:

If you look closely, you'll see my mom a) tried to sell The Mummy for $1, and b) apparently no one bought it. I can't decide which crime is worse.

"But, oh wise, handsome one," you ask me, "None of these movies start with 'J'. What was the point of your story? Don't get me wrong, I love reading every sentence you so artfully construct. But I feel like you're just dragging us along on a pointless narrative to No-where's-ville."

Fear not, my friend. For there was indeed a film tucked away in our Video Home System archives that fits today's script perfectly, and I'm ashamed I hadn't already thought of it. I give you...

Jurrasic Park

Hold on to your butts!

Velociraptors! Peril! Jeff Goldblum! Dammit this movie is good. If you're able to shake off its terrible sequels (apologies to Vince Vaughn and William H. Macy), and appreciate the first movie for its pure epic-ocity and sheer brilliance, congratulations! (If not, well...looking at you, Matrix trilogy.)

While its special effects may look a tad dated now (although really not as much as you'd expect), in 1993 this movie was an incredible achievement. Trust me, I was six. I remember these things. Spielberg brought dinosaurs to life, and when they weren't trying to eat Newman, they looked like a lot of fun to go visit.

This movie also features the first half of the only time I can think of an actor delivering an iconic line, then saying the same line as a completely different character in another movie five years later. Bonus points if you know what I'm talking about, but the fact that no YouTube video exists with both movies is a complete failure by YouTube. Get your act together, YouTube.

But, John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists,

Colin

(Nix's "J" pick: Juno)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: I

Today's selection is not only the best "I" movie, but also the best movie whose title is a prepositional phrase. Bold statement, I know. Let me first apologize to Into the Wild, and Inglorious Basterds, as they are equally deserving of today's honor. If you haven't seen either of these movies, please do so immediately and regain credibility amongst your peers. Or don't and you'll be subjected to comparisons to this waste of space. Your call.

I'm at least 93% certain that today's selection is my most watched DVD since I purchased it. Yeah, it's fantastic. Is it the best movie I've ever seen? No, but it's endlessly re-watchable in a way few movies are.

In Bruges

...It's in Belgium

Honestly, I've been waiting since we started this to talk about this movie. It's truly criminal how few people have seen/heard of this movie. It's a dark comedy/crime thriller, which sounds like a bad mixture. Wrong. In Bruges is painfully funny, with just the right amount of crime thriller elements to drive the plot. But really, it's Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and a hilarious Ralph Fiennes that make this movie what it is. It's so much less about the plot of the film, and more about the characters and the city of Bruges - which, according to Farrell, is a "purdue hole."

Imagine what he'd think of West Lafayette

A film that will change the way you think of midgets, inanimate objects, karate chops, and ridiculous criminals. I can link clips of this movie all night, but I'd rather you just see the movie and share in the fun. It may not be for everyone, but it's for most people. Its dark humor is relentless, as are the surprises we run into as the plot unfolds. You will not be able to predict this movie, so sit back and relish how things unfold. You won't be disappointed.

(Colin's "I" pick: Inglorious Basterds)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: H

This might be the easiest decision of all time. I mean, would you respect us as the impeccable journalists and respected members of the Hoosier fan community that we are if I went anywhere else with this pick? I'm not even going to consider any other options. Onward!

Hoosiers

  At press time, there were still no plans for a remake starring Kelvin Sampson.

This really needs no explanation, so allow me to instead bless you with the following bits of awesomeness. Good luck not crying.

Welcome to Indiana basketball,

Colin

(Nix's "H" pick: High Fidelity)...(I'm considering kicking him off the blog for this one)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: G

For me, picking a G movie is like Tiger Woods picking from any number of certified dime pieces to cheat on his wife with. Not easy when you have access to so many great choices. Even with a loaded letter like this, the pick was an easy one. My apologies to the following strong candidates that just didn't cut it:

Gladiator

Gangs of New York

Good Will Hunting

Groundhog Day

Gran Torino

The Godfather

Who wants a mustache ride?

As much as I love watching those other "G" movies, the pick today is a relatively simple one. It is arguably the greatest work from the greatest living director. When you put it that way it's not so hard, is it (that's what she said)?

Goodfellas

The greatest gangster movie ever made - hands down. This movie has so much, it really does. Joe Pesci terrifies me in this movie (mostly because my main image of him growing up was in PG rated Macaulay Culkin family flicks).

He makes Stat look like Brad Pitt

My apologies for the horrifying Culkin picture. All I wanted to do was google his name to confirm the spelling and google subjected me to that atrocity. So naturally I had to share it with you.

As for Goodfellas, there are very few flawless films, and this is one of them. Ray Liotta's rise to gangster street cred is captivating (if entirely unimpressive compared to my own). Martin Scorsese has never been better, nor has he ever been more snubbed than with this film, and he got snubbed plenty of times. Dances with @#$&-ing Wolves won the Oscar and Kevin Costner took Best Director over this masterpiece. Instead, Marty had to wait until The Departed to finally get him the Oscar he needed to tie Three Six Mafia's Oscar total (seriously, these guys).

Ba-dee ba-dee ba-dee that's all folks. Until Colin gets nasty on some "H" movies tomorrow, I'll leave you with a quote from John Wooden.

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

(Colin's "G" Pick: Good Will Hunting)

The H.M.S. ABC Project: F

Every day before sitting here to pen the best two-man, Hoosier-dedicated, non-sports blog in the tri-state area, I comb through the family's DVD collection, searching for titles beginning with the day's letter, and yearning to feel inspired (because it's hard to write four-hyphen, five-comma sentences). Today's search yielded the following results: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Finding Forrester (a double F!), and Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Bueller...Bueller...Edition. I wasn't quite as inspired as I'd hoped.

When Cameron was in Egypt's land...let my Cameron...goooo.

And while I loves me some Bueller as much as any self-respecting American should, does the world really need another 1,000 words on his laissez-faire, carpe diem outlook on life? Let's just say the subject has been had and leave it at that.

Another obvious choice here, at least for me, is Fight Club. But I feel I've already written the defining review on this gem, and decorum prohibits me from going any further. Feel free to comb our archives if you feel gypped.

So what to do? There's another pair of great "F" movies (Forrest Gump & Finding Nemo) that are just as widely seen and boring to talk about, so let's go with one that perhaps you haven't enjoyed yet.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

 Slightly more fantastic than George Clooney's actual life.

I've been meaning to write about this flick for a little while, but kept forgetting. Also, I'm lazy. I keep telling you this. But while I have you, let me just say: I love this movie. If you're at all familiar with Wes Anderson's movies (Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic), you surely already appreciate his wry humor and silliness. And his gratuitous use of Bill Murray, who here plays a badger lawyer to perfection. Put it all together and add stop motion puppets? Perfection.

If you're gonna cuss with somebody, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!,

Colin

(Nix's "F" pick: Fargo)